To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.
 
iQuestions Faculty, Michael and Amy Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
How do I deal with an overbearing and disrespectful mother-in-law? 
How can I get my husband to help with the situation? 
 
Answer: 
 
MICHAEL: Because you‟re meshing together two totally different family 
systems, first you might want to check your perceptions and how you 
are thinking of your mother-in-law. She might not be as bad as you 
think she is, it‟s just that you have an expectation, or you have 
previous experiences—e.g., your own mother and how she is supposed 
to act. You might need to be challenged in that area. 
 
But let‟s say you do have a mother-in-law—like you and I had an 
experience where your mom wanted me to do something for a family 
reunion, and I‟m just telling you right now, I did not grow up with 
family reunions, did I? 
 
AMY: No, you didn‟t. And my mother-in-law and my mother are both 
saints, so I just wanted to interject that right now. 
 
MICHAEL: What is going to help your marriage is that you and your 
spouse are on the same page, because you don‟t want this to get into 
a deal where one spouse is feeling unsupported. 
 
AMY: I know that there are so many people out there who feel that 
way. You feel like, “They‟ve given birth to me, they‟ve put me through 
college, they‟ve done all these really great things for me. How could I 
tell them „no‟ to this one simple speaking request?” 
 
 
MICHAEL: Well, to you it was simple but what was funny was that the 
moment I felt unsupported by my wife, I escalated. Now, you‟re never 
allowed to escalate and just lose control, but I can remember when we 
got back home and discussed this, I said, “I need you to be on my side 
with these things.”  
 
And here is one of the ways that we helped each other, it was like, 
“Look, if you can‟t do that, then I need to be able to set up the 
appropriate boundary, where I could say, „Okay, maybe I‟m not going 
to go to the family reunion.‟” Depending on what is going on in her 
family system. 
 
We want to encourage you that oftentimes we destroy relationships 
when we focus on the negative and we get overwhelmed, such as, 
“There are so many bad things about my mother-in-law,” but you 
know what? There is also a lot of good stuff, too, and maybe you 
should try focusing on the good things, and watch your attitude and 
beliefs change pretty quickly about who you think your mother-in-law 
is. 
 
M & A Smalley -2- 
To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.