To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.
 
 
iQuestions Faculty, Michael and Amy Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
We live in the same town as our in-laws and our families won't leave 
us alone. They're always at our house, uninvited. We don't want to 
hurt anyone's feelings but should we say something? 
 
Answer: 
 
MICHAEL: Believe it or not, we know exactly what you’re dealing with. 
Living in the same town with the in-laws and then having conflict on 
top of that can be very scary, because you want to bring it up, but at 
the same time, you don’t want to destroy the relationship. 
 
There is one word we want to share with you, and that word is 
“boundaries.” 
 
AMY: Boundaries are a perimeter around your relationship. It can be a 
perimeter around your house. And how you can make those 
boundaries really possible is having a conversation with your in-laws, 
and being able to say, “I want our relationship to be the best that it 
can be. And right now, I feel like . . .” and then introduce an area 
where you feel like there is some possible conflict.  
 
Be able to say, “I realize that I am different, and that the way I run 
my house or the way that I feel comfortable may be different from 
you. But I truly want to respect you as a parent and as a grandparent. 
I want that relationship to be a really great experience. So how are we 
going to make that possible?” 
 
We can do that by establishing, “This is what I feel comfortable with. 
And this is what I may not be comfortable with right now.” 
 
 
 
MICHAEL: You know, Amy, what I love is that you actually are 
concerned about not hurting their feelings. And that is critical. 
 
If you go at your parents or your in-laws with a snobby, stuck-up, 
controlling attitude, then I can virtually assure you that you are going 
to fail. You should go into it by saying, “I really want this to go well, 
and the reason we are even establishing this boundary is because we 
love you.”  
 
Now, you might be going, “Okay. That’s great Mike and Amy, but what 
is a boundary?” A boundary might be dependent on your situation.  
 
If you have a parent—I know I once worked with a couple where the 
mom, the mother-in-law, was extremely offensive in her language with 
her children, and so that boundary had to be pretty thick. They 
basically had to keep their kids away from this mother because she 
had such a profoundly negative influence on them. 
 
You might be at that level, or it might be something simple where your 
parents don’t even know that they are bothering you. Just bring it up, 
stating, “We kind of need our privacy.” 
 
Remember, you and I used to live next to my dad and my mom, and 
we lived in a little log cabin, and they were in the big mansion on the 
hill. We finally one day had to talk to my dad, because he loved us and 
he would just come over—but he would come unannounced. 
 
AMY: And we were newlyweds. 
 
MICHAEL: Yes, we were. And those were good times—unless your 
father is knocking on the door. Then it ruins the mood. 
 
M & A Smalley -2- 
 
 
So all we did was very lovingly and with an honoring attitude say, 
“Dad, when you want to come over, we want you here, but we need 
you to call first.”  
 
That’s a boundary on the lower level. What you are struggling with will 
determine what the boundary is, but you have to understand that 
boundaries do not hurt and prevent relationships. They actually 
encourage them to grow. 
 
M & A Smalley -3- 
To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.