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iQuestions Faculty, Michael and Amy Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
I'm engaged and am starting to get cold feet about the wedding. How 
can I know if it's right for us to get married? Is it normal to have 
doubts? 
 
Answer: 
 
MICHAEL: It’s a completely normal experience to feel apprehension, a 
little fear, a little nervousness, and think, “Oh! Maybe I’m not 
supposed to be doing this.” We want to encourage you to take a look 
at what is behind that fear and apprehension. 
 
AMY: Part of it could be your personality. Are you someone who has a 
fear of commitment? But part of that might be, have you done your 
homework? Do you have things in common that are going to create an 
environment so that your relationship is truly going to thrive? Do you 
have compatibility? 
 
MICHAEL: I wasn’t Amy’s first engagement. 
 
She was just a little bit nervous about the marriage, because she knew 
that this wasn’t the right guy. Is that why you are nervous? Are you 
kind of thinking, “Oh. This isn’t the right girl,” or “This isn’t the right 
guy,” and that’s why you are nervous? Because if that is the reason, 
then you had better take a step back and think about, “Why am I 
marrying this person?” And if you could have that confirmed by the 
people around you that you trust, and they know that this is a good, 
loving person to be with, then you probably are just nervous because 
of your personality.  
 
 
But if you don’t have people around you in your inner circle of trust 
who are encouraging the relationship, then you might need to start 
considering, “Oh. Maybe this wedding shouldn’t happen.” 
 
AMY: I would encourage you to connect your head with your heart. 
Write down on paper where you see compatibility. There are five basic 
things you are going to need to have in your relationship.  
 
The first one is, you need to be compatible financially. If you are a 
spender and he is a saver, are you going to complement each other? 
Are you going to appreciate the differences that brings to the table?  
 
Then, are you on the same page as far as children? How many 
children? If you are off by one, then that might be something you 
could work out, but if you are talking about a basketball team versus 
an only child, that’s a serious difference that you are going to have. 
 
Then, spiritually, are you guys on the same page spiritually? Do you 
feel like you are going to encourage each other in your spiritual walk? 
 
Fourth, your sexual expectations. I know you are in a dating 
relationship, but how turned on are you as a mate and as a spouse? 
What does that look like? What do you see as your expectations, once 
you get married? 
 
The last one is personality. Michael and I have very different 
personality styles, yet we complement each other. I am more of an 
introvert and he is an extrovert, but our relationship works because we 
appreciate that aspect in each other—Michael has learned how to give 
me space when I need to have alone time. So how is that going to 
work out with your personalities?  
 
Really think through all five compatibility components. After you talk 
them through, then you really are going to be able to connect your 
MASmalley -2- 
 
head and your heart, and you will feel that you are going into marriage 
with confidence that this is the right person for you. 
 
MASmalley -2- 
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