To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.
 
 
iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Oliver 
 
 
Question: 
 
What are some major causes of anger? 
 
Answer:  
 
Anger is one of the most complex and surprising of all the emotions. In 
fact of all the emotions, anger is the one most likely to catch us by off 
guard. What are the causes of anger, where does it come from. Well, 
in one sense, there are like a gazillion causes of anger. A flat tire. 
Someone pulling in front of you and slowing you down. A cloudy day. 
Someone correcting you or criticizing you.  
 
There are an enormous range of causes of anger, based on years of 
research that I and others have done, we’ve distilled that basically 
there are three primary causes of anger. It’s an important thing to 
keep in mind, that anger is a secondary emotion.  
 
And whenever you are angry, you are always something else. 
Remember that. Anger is a secondary emotion. If you’re a parent, for 
example, and your son or daughter expresses anger, your immediate 
reaction, at least mine has usually been, to react to the anger. But 
underneath that anger is another emotion. Underneath that anger 
might be the emotion of hurt. Anger is always a secondary emotion.  
 
Another primary cause of anger is frustration. And that is really 
something that takes place more in the present. The funny thing about 
frustration is, it’s almost always something small. Think about it. In 
the last week, have you experienced any frustrations? They’re usually 
small things. Getting pulled over. Being delayed. Being late. You can’t 
find something you were sure was in your briefcase. Frustrations are 
 
 
almost always small things. But, they cause that irritation. And that 
little grain of sand of irritation can grow and grow and become 
significant anger when our goals are blocked. And that’s what 
frustration does. 
 
So, frequently as parents, when our little guys or gals are experiencing 
anger, they don’t know that that’s not just what’s going on. And we 
can react to the anger. But, if we are wise and understand this 
emotion, we can also respond to the primary emotion underneath that, 
which is the emotion of frustration. 
 
The first two major causes of anger are hurt and/or frustration, and 
here’s the third: The third is fear. And where hurt takes place primarily 
in the past, and frustration takes place primarily in the present, the 
emotion of fear usually involves the future.  
 
The emotion of fear also involves the emotion of anxiety. And 
whenever you and I are anxious, what we’re doing is, think about this, 
whenever we’re fearful or anxious, it’s like we’re reaching into the 
future and taking an event that hasn’t yet happened and pretending 
that it has happened, and then feeling bad about it. It really doesn’t 
make sense.  
 
Fear and anxiety are like, “Why should I wait until tomorrow to feel 
bad? Why should I wait until tomorrow to lose weight or have a 
nervous breakdown, when I can pretend that the worst has already 
happened and I can feel bad today?” When I phrase it that way it 
sounds silly, but that’s what we’re doing when we have this emotion of 
fear.  
 
Now fear makes me feel vulnerable. When I experience fear, I’m 
drained of energy. I feel vulnerable. I feel insecure. And so, when I 
experience anger, anger’s an energizing emotion, and when I 
Oliver -2- 
 
 
experience anger I have the energy to deal with the fear, to stand up 
to what’s going on.  
 
Several years ago I read a true story about a couple, an elderly couple 
who went to New York to see a play. And this elderly man and his wife 
and her sister went to see this play in Manhattan, they drove there, 
they parked. After the play they went back to their car. As they got in 
their car a young man came and opened up the passenger side door, 
pointed a gun at the woman who was driving and her sister—her 
husband was in the back seat because he was not able to drive—and 
the gunman said, “Give me your jewels, give your rings, give me your 
wallet, give me everything!”  
 
And he was gruff and pointing the gun at them. And the old man later, 
when he was interviewed by the New York Times, said, “As I heard the 
terror in my wife’s voice, as I heard the fear in her sister’s voice, I 
became angry.” Now, this guy was eighty-one years old. About five- 
foot-six. A frail old man, not healthy enough to drive.  
 
And he said that “as I heard that something inside me welled up.” 
Well, the thief happened to notice the old man in the back seat, and 
said, “Okay pops, give me your wallet, give me your rings.” And he 
slammed the front door, opened the back door to get the wallet and 
the rings from this guy, this old man.  
 
And he said in the interview, “I don’t know what happened to me. In 
fact, as I tell this story, I don’t think it’s good for my health,” because, 
for some reason, he turned around on his seat, put his feet up against 
the door, and when the thief went to open the door, he pushed as hard 
as he could. Well, this caught the thief by surprise, got him off 
balance, the gun flew out of his hand, the purses and the jewelry flew 
out of his hand, and he ran away with his accomplice.  
 
Oliver -3- 
 
 
This old man, because of a fear response, empowered by anger, had 
the energy to do something he never could have done. So oftentimes, 
when you see anger, what is really going on is the emotion of fear. 
 
So, there are three major causes of anger. The first is hurt. The 
second is frustration. The third is fear and/or anxiety. And this is what 
is so important. This is kind of embarrassing because I’m a trained 
professional—I’ve written on this stuff, I’ve taught on this stuff—but 
I’ve spent so much of my life, there have been so many situations 
where I’ve reacted to the secondary emotion of anger in my wife, in 
my boys and friends, rather than respond to the primary emotion of 
fear and/or hurt and/or frustration.  
 
And you know what? If you want to transform relationships learn 
about this emotion of anger and never forget: When you or someone 
else is angry, what else is really going on? You don’t have to react to 
that secondary emotion. I’ve learned, a lot of the folks I’ve worked 
with have learned, you can respond to that primary emotion of hurt 
and/or fear and/or frustration, and in that process build and 
strengthen your most important relationships. 
 
Oliver -4- 
To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.